I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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