Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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