Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
