I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
