you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This toilet bowl is my home.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
