I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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