I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
