I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
