Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I didn't notice because vodka
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
