Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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