I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
