the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
