On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
