Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
