i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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