so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
