If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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