Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
