Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
