lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
