I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
