yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In other news, I just burned my penis
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
