I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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