I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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