Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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