I want to make a zoo with you.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I touched a dick in church today
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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