the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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