im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
