There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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