alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
