why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
