I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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