i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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