the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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