its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
