Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
