When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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