sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
