I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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