Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i now understand why vodka
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
