I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
