god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
