We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
