I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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