Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
