Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
