Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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