Three words: puerto rican gang bang
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize