here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
