im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
