Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
