if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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