I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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