I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
