I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
