we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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