just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
