I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
