i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
