if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
