This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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