do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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